What now?

So many more questions than answers these days. I feel like I’m drifting aimlessly in an existential haze. The way forward is unclear and my energy is depleted. What’s the point, I wonder. Why am I here?

This is partially caused by, or maybe reflected in a series of recent dreams. In the first, I was considering a wedding in Hawaii but it was too expensive, then I went to a party and left to compete in a “most ridiculous outfit” contest. I arrived home to an apartment in Maui and discovered the door was unlocked, found a man inside and knew he wanted to kill me. I tried bargaining for my life but realized it was in vain. He finally agreed to let me live but then his racist friend arrived and she shot me in the neck and shot me again at close range. My family wanted a quick funeral with only an hour set aside for grieving. Later I was looking at my Facebook page and scrolling through the nice things people wrote posthumously – I wanted to respond but realized I couldn’t, and felt angry and sad that my life had been so short and I’d accomplished so little.

The other dream wasn’t nearly as depressing – I was shopping for clothes and when I finally found something I liked, I awoke into another dream and wondered why I was so excited about finding something that would be lost upon waking. There was a little girl and I was trying to teach her math skills (addition), but our lesson was continually disrupted and I couldn’t find the right instructional tools. I was frustrated by the slow rate of progress and then awoke into the dream that is my life.

A recurring theme lately has been a tendency to undervalue myself, coupled with a desire to take on more than I can handle. Why is that? And how do I choose a better way?

I’ve been thinking about writing a book, but people say “write what you know” and these days I feel like I know nothing.

Hopefully this gloom will pass soon.

 

Forgiveness

On a conceptual level, I understand the value of forgiveness. I know harboring ill feelings toward others hurts us more than it hurts them. But on an emotional level, it’s something I’ve struggled with. As if forgiving and letting go means relinquishing a hold on what I believe is owed to me – letting people off the hook too easily instead of making them endure at least as much pain as I believe they’ve caused me. Thankfully, recent events have helped me cultivate a more enlightened attitude toward forgiveness, and I hope writing about them will help me release any lingering grudges.

First, I hurt someone deeply and he was able to forgive me with so much grace and compassion that I feel humbled by the experience. When he was able to release his feelings of anger and betrayal and fill the space with love and understanding, it seemed as if his life took a magical turn for the better – things started shifting in his career and he found new opportunities that aligned with his talents and aspirations. Maybe the timing of it all was coincidental, yet I believe his shift from the mindset of a victim to an empowered being with the capacity to forgive and let go played an instrumental role in the way events transpired.

Another healing activity took place in Kenya, when a colleague of mine facilitated a discussion with someone I felt had mistreated me. Being able to express my views to this person was incredibly liberating. Despite her unwillingness to take any responsibility for her actions, the act of voicing my perspective helped me release a lot of poisonous anger. I also appreciated the loving concern of the person who arranged the meeting, which helped me view the experience from a higher vantage point; recognizing this woman had provided the impetus needed to leave an unfulfilling career and secure a job more aligned with my interests.

An area where I had a lot of forgiveness work to do was in my career – forgiving not only the people I felt had taken advantage of me, but also forgiving myself for settling for less than what I thought I deserved. This was done mainly by reframing the situation in a positive light – realizing what an awesome learning experience it had been, how many meaningful connections I made, and how it helped guide me toward the next chapter in my life. I’ve also been viewing myself from a different perspective; not as a limited human being, but as a limitless soul who came here to learn and evolve in the company of others carving out their own paths.

As humans, we can be incredibly rude and self serving, but we also have an amazing capacity to uplift and nurture one another. We always have a choice in our actions and reactions and I hope as we become more conscious beings, we’ll choose love over programmed responses that perpetuate feelings of hurt and anger. After all, to err is human and to forgive is divine.

Phoenix

I thought by now I’d be better
at separating fact from fantasy
avoiding the road that ultimately
leads to pain

But when love glimmers with possibility
no logical discourse on chemistry
is enough to maintain objectivity
as I leap headfirst into the game

In the blinding light of the fallout that follows
my fears and insecurities take center stage
kinship dissolves into passion and rage
as I retreat and find peace in the silence

A fire destroyed our beautiful dream
set by a phoenix who longed to be free
love disrupted the delicate symmetry
that held our lives together

Choice

A recurring topic lately has been free will versus destiny.

During a Thanksgiving discussion about this, a lovely woman named Dale pointed out that in either case, the important thing is where we focus our attention. This led me to think about spheres of influence and illusions of control. I believe the one thing we can control in life is how we direct our thoughts. Each moment presents an opportunity for us to be fully aware, centered, loving, trusting, and grateful for our amazing lives. We can also choose to dwell on past grievances, worry about the future, agonize over perceived shortcomings, or select from a myriad of other disempowering thoughts.

In the book What in the World Is Going on Here? the author, Coburn Tuller says “we have ultimate and complete freedom over what we think.” He theorizes that most challenges, at a global and personal level, stem from fear-based thinking, and by consciously overriding these habitual thought patterns and focusing instead on loving and empowering ideas, we can lead more joyful and harmonious lives. To achieve greater mastery over our thinking, Tuller advises us to meditate and connect with our higher selves.

Eckhart Tolle presents a similar theory in The Power of Now. He proposes that most of our pain and unhappiness are caused by a resistance to the only thing we will ever truly have: this moment. Instead of being fully present to the wonders and possibility of whatever we’re currently experiencing, we tend to worry about the future, or mull over past events. To help free ourselves from the suffering caused by destructive and unconscious thought patterns, Tolle advises us to start “watching the thinker” and practicing the joy of simply being, thereby activating higher levels of consciousness.

Despite receiving nearly daily reminders about the benefits of meditation over the years, I experienced a lot of resistance to setting aside time for it. I finally started meditating for five to ten minutes in the morning, maybe twice a week, about a year ago. After seeing how even short and irregular intervals of time spent exploring my inner pathways helped improve my overall outlook and enjoyment of life, I started ramping up my practice. I’ve discovered the more I meditate, the more easily I can travel through life as a peaceful and loving observer; trusting my needs will always be met, the answers I seek will be found, and intuition will guide me in the right direction.

Whether I chose to write this blog or was it predestined by genetic codes and cultural upbringing, I hope it helps influence greater love, joy, peace, wisdom, and blissful awareness of this magical moment.

Feelings (Deeper)

In my haste to publish a blog on 11/11/11, I now realize I posted a lukewarm version of the story that inspired the title, so here’s my attempt to provide a more honest glimpse into my current reality. I hope this might help those who’ve judged me harshly find it in their hearts to forgive me, while inspiring others to live their truth fearlessly.

In Kenya, I fell in love. It wasn’t something I planned, and it didn’t fit into my neatly constructed idea of what life had in store for me. Up to that point, I was fairly certain I was going to marry the charming, handsome, kind, and loving man I’d been with for five years. Yes, I’d been plagued with recurring doubts about our relationship, but I brushed them aside repeatedly. My doubts seemed to intensify and expand in the distance between us, and then I fell in love.

It’s nearly impossible to pinpoint the moment you realize love has completely hijacked your mental faculties and shaken you to the core. For me, the experience was like a gradual free fall, one moment I was standing on solid ground, and the next I was being swept along in a current of pure emotion, more powerful than anything I’d ever experienced. I didn’t want to sleep, hardly wanted to eat, I journaled furiously, hoping to uncover the shaky foundations of a passing infatuation, but instead, I fell deeper.

What makes us fall in love? Is it a random set of chemical reactions in our brains? Or is it based on soul connections rekindled upon meeting? I believe in the latter. I’ve fallen in love before, but never with such intensity of emotion, or willingness to override practical concerns in favor of fully experiencing the feeling. With this love, I want to be the best possible version of me – I want to explore the wisdom of my soul, continually read and grow, have a meaningful impact on people’s lives, and treat everyone I meet with love and kindness. I know some people regard me as crazy or cruel as a result of what they view as a conscious decision, but when love storms past all your defenses, there’s nothing you can do to turn it away.

This experience accompanies a string of significant changes in my life, which all seem to be leading to my dream occupation: facilitating sustainable, community-led development in Kenya through ICT and renewable energy solutions. This is a dream I lovingly cultivated in my mind for years before releasing it into the capable hands of the universe, and when I was willing to ignore the voice of “reason” in favor of trusting my internal guidance system, all the pieces came together to make this vision a reality

If there is a moral to this story, it’s that despite not knowing what the future holds, we can always believe in the beauty of our dreams and fearlessly pursue what we know in our hearts to be true. Sometimes it helps to set our sights on the horizon, but don’t let attachments to a specific destination keep you from enjoying this beautiful journey.

Feelings

Sometimes I feel guided to do things that defy logic. For example, leaving a job that pays well during a global economic crisis without first securing another source of income, purchasing two plane tickets to Kenya despite uncertainty over how I’ll pay my bills, and abandoning the comforts of a happy life in a beautiful home with a loving partner because I sense my life’s purpose is leading me elsewhere.

Recognizing the limitations of intellect, I’ve been working on “feeling” my way through life. One of the benefits of this approach is it helps me live in the moment – if I start worrying, over-analyzing, judging, or scheming, I gently pull myself back to the role of a peaceful observer with a finely tuned internal navigation system. I still make plans, but remain open to intuitive nudges guiding me in a different direction.

In a space of pure emotion, I realize we’re all connected, we’re all equal, and we’re all doing the best we can – there’s no reason to respond to hatred with hatred when it feels so much better to choose love instead. Despite my best intentions, I sometimes opt for the low road, but the fleeting rush associated with witty put-downs and catty comments is a poor substitute for the joy I experience when broadcasting love and light.

When we surrender to the wisdom and guidance of our feelings, we open ourselves to a new sense of wonder and magic in a universe of infinite possibilities. Honoring your feelings may lead to unpopular choices and disruptive changes, but it will also free you to live more authentically and courageously.

Fear

It’s easy to maintain an optimistic perspective when everything’s going well in life. I love advising others to focus on the good and believe in the best possible outcome, yet in times of adversity, I feel a familiar tightening in my chest accompanied by the frantic urge to hide in my room and put up my defenses.

As a child, I wondered: if I never learned the word for fear and didn’t understand the concept behind it, would that allow me to live fearlessly? Now I know emotions are governed by more than our ability to define them, and wonder if I can reach a higher vantage point that helps me recognize and avoid the many pitfalls of fear-based thinking.

For example, let’s say I need to sell my home in a depressed market, with no clear idea of where to go next, I simultaneously have no income and a mounting pile of debt, and one of the most important and enduring relationships in my life is coming to an end. Meanwhile, the world around me appears to be falling apart – people are revolting against blatant injustices in hopes of achieving a more balanced and sustainable global society, and our wasteful conveniences fueled by short-sighted capitalism and poisonous gases are beginning to haunt us through health epidemics and weather-related catastrophes. In these uncertain times, it’s easy to slip into “why me?” and “where did we go wrong?” patterns of thinking. But is this helpful? Not at all.

Instead, I can choose to believe I’m a timeless spirit passing through this magical and mysterious playground in hopes of learning lessons that support my evolution. I can trust that life will never present any obstacle too difficult to handle, and the path dictated by my heart will never lead me astray. These are not easy times, but sometimes a struggle is necessary to gain strength of character. There’s little challenge in times of comfort, but you’re not fully alive until you have the courage to trust and let go.

Regret

As a general rule, I don’t let myself dwell in a place of regret. The idea of regretting anything is at odds with my theory that everything unfolds according to a divinely orchestrated master plan. An alternate perspective; that we live in a random and chaotic universe governed entirely by free will is such a daunting possibility that it would render me incapable of making even the simplest decisions, so I choose to believe in some type of order.

With that said, as an imperfect being in a universe governed by laws I don’t fully understand, I’m bound to make mistakes and experience the resulting feelings of shame, guilt, and disappointment that accompany regret. It’s a terrible feeling and one that doesn’t make anyone else feel any better, so I wish I could shake it off, like an old and ill-fitting coat that provides no warmth or comfort. Instead, the only cure for regret seems to be time: that mysterious force that stretches out infinitely into a misremembered past and uncertain future.

I’m an extremely sensitive and empathetic person – as such, any pain I inadvertently cause others, through fear, anger, shortsightedness, rash decisions, pride, selfishness, or any of my many flaws, immediately seems to boomerang back and strike me with a force at least as great as whatever blow I delivered. The lesson to learn seems to be: tread carefully. Choose love always, over baser emotions like anger or fear, and remember we’re nothing without the love of the people we care for most in this world.

Although regret is not one of my favorite teachers, I’m humbled by the lessons she continues to teach me and trust with time I’ll learn to navigate the slippery corridors that lead to her door with more grace, care, and always, love.

Changes

It’s easy to maintain the status quo – drifting aimlessly along in life and trusting the future will somehow unfold as we hope. Stuffing down emotions that may cause disruption; discomfort, eyes downcast as we make our way along familiar roads.

But change finds us; detaching us from everything we thought we knew and wanted.

I love the idea that all circumstances in life are somehow connected to events taking place in the cosmos, and am therefore an avid reader of astrologically influenced forecasts. One of my favorite sources, Power Path, provided this uncannily accurate portrayal of what we can expect to experience this month: Turning Point.

Change isn’t easy for creatures of habit, but it enables us to learn, grow, evolve, and gain the experiences needed to lead fulfilling and inspired lives.

Freedom

I knew what I wanted to write about today, and hoped my dream would tie in with the theme, but it doesn’t. In my dream, it was Halloween and we forgot to buy candy, so our lights were off. I noticed Xander looking beat up and immobile on our back porch, with a fat cat from the ‘hood sitting next to him. I told Kevin we needed to go to the vet, but when I returned to the porch, a group of strangers had gathered around Xander and one man had a clear hose hooked up to our grill leading to Xander’s mouth, which miraculously cured him. I asked how he knew what to do and he said Xander spoke to him… then Xander took off and came back dragging an oversized lawn ornament he stole from one of our neighbors. Then he ran off again and returned with a dead bunny.

So… freedom. I’ve given this concept a lot of thought lately, for three main reasons: our last book club selection was about the great migration of blacks from southern states to northern cities throughout the 1900s, I’m now reading a novel told (partially) from the perspective of a slave in Haiti, and mainly because I’ve experienced a tremendous sense of liberation and possibility as a result of walking away from my job.

In our book club pick, The Warmth of Other Suns, a central idea was that freedom couldn’t simply be legislated, people needed to recognize and stand up for their rights, often at risk of personal injury or death. In the book I’m reading now, Island Beneath the Sea, the main character is a slave, yet free to choose how she perceives and responds to her circumstances. In my life, I became so accustomed to being dissatisfied with my job that, much like an abusive relationship, I almost forgot walking away was an option.

Like the protagonists in The Warmth of Other Suns, my road to freedom began with a simple thought: I deserve better, accompanied by a sense of how great life would be on the other side. I now feel so incredibly happy that I want everyone else to feel the same way. If there’s something you want to change, please believe in a better future and conjure up the feeling of living your ideal reality – it’s amazing how the universe will seemingly bend to align with your vision.