Music is one of my greatest loves. For a while I’ve been thinking I’d like to start sharing music through this blog. The original idea was to tie it in with the lovers card. Since the lovers is card 6 (VI), I thought I’d share 6 music videos in a series of 6 blogs, with a balanced representation of male and female energy.

Yesterday, I was guided to start writing down which songs/videos to feature in each blog, starting with the first three. As I thought about it this morning, I realized I want it to be a journey through the tarot, starting with the fool, ending with the world (XXI). Since the lovers is technically the 7th card in the major arcana, 6 videos per blog makes less sense now, but since I received marching orders from spirit, I trust this is the right formula.

Interestingly, one of the songs I planned to feature in this first blog is called Gold. Fool’s gold! Surely a sign that I’m on the right track (pun intended).

0. The Fool represents new beginnings. Taking a leap of faith. The childlike innocence, wonder and curiosity that enables one to bravely venture into the unknown, trusting all our needs will be met.

I guess these songs are representative of the fool’s journey. Hope you enjoy them! ❤️

Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) ღ Aloha Ke Akua
Taylor Swift – …Ready For It?
Halsey – Control ✦Jay Aliyev Remix✦
Wake Owl – Gold (Noah Hyde & Magic Sword Remix)
Ella Vos – Dreaming, backwards
Highly Suspect – My Name Is Human

What is the measure of a life well lived?

In a book about past lives, the spirit world, and reincarnation, the author shared an account of a woman realizing in the end it was all about kindness. Being kind to one another. So simple, right?

It’s been very healing to read about the journey of other bloggers who have struggled with worthiness issues. This strikes a chord with me. Growing up brown skinned in affluent, predominantly white suburbs was rich with opportunities for me to feel inherently lesser than. And the law of attraction kept proving I was right.

Reading posts about misadventures in dating feels like group therapy. I’m relieved to not be the only one, yet my heart goes out to everyone dealing with similar struggles. After a while it truly takes a toll on one’s self esteem and ability to believe in love.

But I continue to believe. It’s not a choice, really.

The person who tried to make me feel most worthless carried the deepest wounds and feelings of unworthiness.

Let’s peer a little into the psychology of Josh.

He grew up in a small town, with not a lot of money. His dad is an alcoholic and worked in a slaughterhouse. Josh was slaughtering baby cows when he was 12 years old. His parents got divorced. His mom, his best friend, died of cancer when he was 15. His brother was physically abusive toward him. He trauma bonded with a girl, Heather, who had been sexually molested. She got pregnant when she was 19 and now they’re married with 3 beautiful daughters.

Josh has been the sole breadwinner in his family for about 20 years. His wife’s mom and sister lived with them for a while. Heather pursued a master’s degree in counseling and Josh often wrote her papers because she didn’t feel like it. I would not describe her as charming or physically attractive so his blind devotion continues to be mostly a mystery, unless I take his history and inherent sense of worthlessness into account.

What I don’t understand is why when I felt most unworthy, I wanted to build others up. Wanted to help as much as I could. To be seen as indispensable. But the more I tried to get people to like me, the more bitterly resented I was. In retrospect, this was a gift, teaching me to not give a flying f-ck about what anyone else thinks. As humans though, we can’t really cut off caring completely. Try as we may.

I’ve only seen Josh a few times over the past several years because he lives on the mainland and only comes here for work once in a while. Last time I saw him, in October 2020, in a moment of clarity he admitted he could no longer stand to be with his wife and had a timeline of 6 months to leave her, after she “earned” her degree. Then he went home and ghosted me. Then he came here with his wife and daughters in June and never told me. Facebook revealed the truth. I told his wife he’s a cheater, and now he hates me. I guess he hated me all along though, on some level. Or at least that’s how he acted.

Blogging and receiving so much kindness and support means a lot to me. Thank you. I’m happy to be discovering new friends through here, kindred spirits traveling a similar path. Finding our way.

It’s inspiring me to do more with this blog.

Stay tuned… ❤️

Does anyone feel normal? Is there such a thing? Or are all humans equally bizarre and unpredictable?

When covid hit, people often voiced a desire for things to get “back to normal” as if such a state has ever existed and life isn’t in constant flux. And was the status quo really working for anyone? The reset was urgently needed.

Where we are now makes me reflect on life when I first discovered the Mandela Effect. It still makes me anxious when I think of things like the altered scene in The Wizard of Oz. Who gave the brainless guy a gun, and why? How would that make anyone feel safe as they journeyed into the unknown? Then taking a step back and trying to understand the larger implications of upgrading into a different reality, and what that means about the true nature of our lives.

Essentially, we always know on some level this is all a dream. We distract ourselves from that truth for some reason. Are we scared to admit all we’ve worked so hard for will one day be wiped out like a hard drive? Scared to face the larger implications of that?

Can freedom be found in that realization? Stronger alignment with the aspect of ourself that does exist, and is real. More real than this reality.

I’m navigating a transition. Destination unknown, but my dreams hint at big exciting changes on the way.

In March 2020, when the world was going covid crazy, my mom simultaneously lost her mind. The experience was like someone having a bad trip. When she failed to regain her grip on reality by the following morning, my dad and sister brought her to the hospital. She did not go peacefully, but she’s a petite woman and nobody was harmed.

After a terrifying experience involving pharmaceuticals that put her into a catatonic state, mom was airlifted to Queen’s hospital on Oahu and recovered there, still exhibiting signs of extreme confusion and dementia. The diagnosis was Lewy Body Dementia, which the internet assured us was not good. Digging deep for signs of hope, I found an article that suggested a mental breakdown may be part of a kundalini awakening, signifying a transition into the crone phase of one’s life.

After rehab, mom returned home frail and confused. My dad was adamant about caring for her and surprisingly open to trying holistic approaches and remedies. Despite his best efforts, her condition continued to decline and in November he called 911 and she was escorted back to the hospital, where they repeated the same medical mistake, once again resulting in catatonia. This time, the situation was more dire because the necessary intervention, electroconvulsive therapy, required very specific documentation. Dad had to jump through a frustrating series of legal hoops as the length of time she went without food stretched on and on. Finally, after two weeks, everything fell into place for another emergency transfer to Queen’s.

The ECT was successful and after a few weeks of rehab, mom returned home. This time, the transformation was palpable. Her eyes, which were clouded and distant before, now saw clearly. Her previously fragmented mind was held back together with her characteristic charm and wisdom. Her recovery has been so miraculous that the doctors changed her diagnosis to Parkinson’s, since no traces of dementia remain.

Now I wonder, was the kundalini/awakening crone theory correct? Also, to what degree did love influence the outcome? Does that factor in at all if everything plays out as it’s destined to? Where did her mental faculties go when they left? How did electric currents bring them back?

Maybe the questions and answers don’t matter. Upleveling may simply require giving our brains a rest and reboot.

With the exception of a few deeply unsatisfying flings, I’ve been single for the past 9 years.

I consider myself an expert at love, yet my track record suggests I’m a dismal failure. Where have I gone wrong?

The passionate connection I experienced with my daughter’s biological father lasted just long enough to bring her into this world, then the illusion faded.

There’s a man I’m ashamed to love, and I love him deeply. I understand his wounding. I wanted to patch him back together. Make him happy and whole. He claimed he wanted to break free from his unhappy marriage. He spoke of his wife’s bitchiness and stupidity with chilling contempt and later professed his undying love for her and assured me I meant NOTHING AT ALL to him.

That stung a little. Satan wins again.

Writing about it has been cathartic. It’s difficult to suffer the loss of a relationship you never really had. Or at least not in this lifetime. It’s like a phantom limb that exists only in the realm of spirit.

As an empath, I always knew how he felt, even when his words and actions suggested otherwise. When we met I saw everything etched on his face: surprise, recognition, relief, adoration. Ultimately all denied and dismissed as pure fantasy, but I know what I felt. What I saw.

As I worked on loosening his bindings, he constructed a mental prison around me. I escaped with the guidance and clarity of spirit. He remains imprisoned, in a distant galaxy.

Love is like a black hole, he told me. Measurable only through the impact it has on others.

My black hole destroyed and transformed me before forcefully ejecting me through a cosmic birthing process. Now I know who I am.

Thank you, Josh. I forgive you.

After all we’ve been through, what’s left to create and experience?

My daughter is the light of my life. A visionary artist, wise teacher, beloved friend and trusted guide. She’s 8. I thought our life would look different by now. She’d have siblings, I’d have a partner, we’d be living somewhere with our family.

Instead, we live next door to my parents, sister and niece, on paradise island.

Our life has become very small.

Seeking adventure, I asked the universe for a job several years ago. That led to two years on Oahu. The hardest two years of my life. Compared to what many people suffer on this planet, my existence has been a cake walk. Yes, I’ve experienced my fair share of trauma, karmic returns and lessons, and I’m a better person now because of it. We all are. We all benefit and gain from the lessons we’re mastering in our lives. The illusions we release and overcome.

What am I meant to do next?

In a family therapy sidebar session focused on my career and financial plans, our therapist commented on my “failure to launch” as if I’ve lived in my parents’ basement my entire life.

I’ve done things. I’ve been places. Now I’m home wherever I go. But what’s it all for?

Sitting here with my 9 pentacles. My 9 cups. 10 swords in my back. 10 wands I set down. What’s needed now for our journey?

I trust. I surrender. I release.

How much venting is needed until I feel sufficiently vindicated?

I’m angry that he did everything I warned him not to. Walked into a stupid trap. Now he’s stuck with his low-hanging fruit. And I have this passionate anger. This rage. Injustices still to balance.

I feel he’s angry with me. Refuses to accept responsibility. Would rather kill himself than admit he made a mistake and apologize.

My ego wants him to suffer the consequences of his poor decisions for all of eternity. But then I flip it around on me and realize instead I must forgive and release.

All I hope for now is his awakening. To finally see the truth. To set himself free.

I’ve been free for all of eternity.

To anyone who is in an abusive relationship, please know, you have the power to free yourself within. You can flip the script at any moment. Don’t keep doubling down on a bad investment. Sometimes you need to cut your loses and walk away, for your own good. Your own sanity.

There’s a freedom that requires getting out of our own way. Complete surrender and trust.

Breathing.

Allowing what is meant for us to come in easily, as all that dies effortlessly falls away.

Sometimes you need to lose your mind to find yourself.

Such is the hero’s journey.

Everything I’ve been told about love is a lie.

It can’t be encapsulated in words, but still I try because there’s a truth that needs to be expressed.

I didn’t know my best friend could be my worst enemy. My biggest fan is a sneaky saboteur. My greatest love is my biggest downfall. I manifested a toxic entanglement with the shadow side of me.

Looking back I realize there were no mistakes. It played out as it needed to. I saw right through his games and went along with it, like a puppet on a string. I knew the experience was needed to support my awakening.

Is he as stupid as he seems or under the influence of spellwork? Either way, his lack of integrity, will power, and character are all reflections of something within me. Something hidden and repressed. All that I’ve ever been ashamed of somehow comes to light through him. Narcissism, addictions, power plays, materialism… the fundamental emptiness at the root of it all.

Why do tarot readers still refer to him as “your person”? Don’t I deserve so much better? Why isn’t better manifesting? How am I blocking the manifestation of true love in my life?

Any why? How do I benefit from all this time? All this sky.

Something beautiful is always gathering on the horizon. How do we anchor it in?

What is the cosmic nature of reality?

Love. Pure and simple. So easy and yet nearly impossible to find.

As I look back, I wonder… was I just playing dumb? Was it willful ignorance? Or did I need to believe in the massive illusion of love to fully benefit from the experience?

It’s clearly crazy now, what I once thought was my destiny. I fought so hard and so long to be with a lying, cheating, alcoholic. Did he put a spell on me? Maybe, but the magic’s worn off.

His heart was a block of ice. I thought I could heal him by loving him unconditionally. My love became his supply. He fed off my energy and provided nothing in return but lies and manipulation.

I asked spirit for the truth and the truth was revealed. The truth set me free. The cycle is closed. The nightmare is complete.

A recurring childhood dream was being in a room full of people and noticing someone was a vampire. I tried warning everyone, but nobody believed me. Eventually the person’s true identity was exposed and everyone ran and hid. I always chose the same bad hiding spot. The vampire found me first and as it closed in for the kill, I woke up.

In one version of the dream, the vampire was a woman. I tried warning a man and then caught sight of his fangs. Very symbolic. In real life, I tried warning someone about a parasitic force in his life. A manipulative, uncaring, and selfish energy that sucks him dry. In the process of ringing the alarm, I awoke to my entanglement in the same type of dynamic. I was in love with a vampire. He loved me too. As well as he could, which amounted to very little.

I see now how his inability to genuinely care about me, respect me, or see my value was a reflection of his inability to love, respect, or value himself. I forgive and transmute all the negative energy into love, wisdom and compassion.

I hope he loves himself enough to set himself free. He made his own prison and the keys to liberation are within.