What is the measure of a life well lived?
In a book about past lives, the spirit world, and reincarnation, the author shared an account of a woman realizing in the end it was all about kindness. Being kind to one another. So simple, right?
It’s been very healing to read about the journey of other bloggers who have struggled with worthiness issues. This strikes a chord with me. Growing up brown skinned in affluent, predominantly white suburbs was rich with opportunities for me to feel inherently lesser than. And the law of attraction kept proving I was right.
Reading posts about misadventures in dating feels like group therapy. I’m relieved to not be the only one, yet my heart goes out to everyone dealing with similar struggles. After a while it truly takes a toll on one’s self esteem and ability to believe in love.
But I continue to believe. It’s not a choice, really.
The person who tried to make me feel most worthless carried the deepest wounds and feelings of unworthiness.
Let’s peer a little into the psychology of Josh.
He grew up in a small town, with not a lot of money. His dad is an alcoholic and worked in a slaughterhouse. Josh was slaughtering baby cows when he was 12 years old. His parents got divorced. His mom, his best friend, died of cancer when he was 15. His brother was physically abusive toward him. He trauma bonded with a girl, Heather, who had been sexually molested. She got pregnant when she was 19 and now they’re married with 3 beautiful daughters.
Josh has been the sole breadwinner in his family for about 20 years. His wife’s mom and sister lived with them for a while. Heather pursued a master’s degree in counseling and Josh often wrote her papers because she didn’t feel like it. I would not describe her as charming or physically attractive so his blind devotion continues to be mostly a mystery, unless I take his history and inherent sense of worthlessness into account.
What I don’t understand is why when I felt most unworthy, I wanted to build others up. Wanted to help as much as I could. To be seen as indispensable. But the more I tried to get people to like me, the more bitterly resented I was. In retrospect, this was a gift, teaching me to not give a flying f-ck about what anyone else thinks. As humans though, we can’t really cut off caring completely. Try as we may.
I’ve only seen Josh a few times over the past several years because he lives on the mainland and only comes here for work once in a while. Last time I saw him, in October 2020, in a moment of clarity he admitted he could no longer stand to be with his wife and had a timeline of 6 months to leave her, after she “earned” her degree. Then he went home and ghosted me. Then he came here with his wife and daughters in June and never told me. Facebook revealed the truth. I told his wife he’s a cheater, and now he hates me. I guess he hated me all along though, on some level. Or at least that’s how he acted.
Blogging and receiving so much kindness and support means a lot to me. Thank you. I’m happy to be discovering new friends through here, kindred spirits traveling a similar path. Finding our way.
It’s inspiring me to do more with this blog.
Stay tuned… ❤️
16 comments
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October 16, 2021 at 6:39 pm
Mike U.
“What I don’t understand is why when I felt most unworthy, I wanted to build others up. Wanted to help as much as I could. To be seen as indispensable. But the more I tried to get people to like me, the more bitterly resented I was.” This really resonates with me as it’s my experience as well. I even fell into the trap of rescuing behavior in my early relationships, seemingly attracted to (or perhaps only seen as attractive by) severely damaged girls. The whole “knight in shining armor” thing came into play, and, of course, it never worked. I learned the hard way I can’t save anyone. And it’s unsustainable, anyway. All that time, effort and energy I spent trying to uplift others…I should have been trying to uplift myself, learn to love myself and learn to heal myself. Counseling and experience opened the door to the truth, but it’s still difficult and I still want to help people. I need to remember to include myself in the group of folks I want to help. Thanks for your wise words and insight. 🙂
October 16, 2021 at 11:28 pm
Melissa G
Thanks for sharing, Mike. I can relate to a lot of what you write in your posts too. The rescuer trap is one I know well yet stumbled into repeatedly before remembering the supreme importance of being kind to oneself first and foremost. The more I tried to save others, the more I realized I was the one who needed saving. There’s a great video, Fineshrine by Purity Ring, that captures that concept beautifully. Thanks for the great insights your share on your blog too. Loving yourself and showing up authentically is the best way to help everyone. ❤️
October 16, 2021 at 6:42 pm
cattalespress
I’m right with you! I want nothing more than to build others up! I’m tired of the bullies. I understand people go through deep pain, but they need to be held responsible for actions that bring suffering to others! I’m glad you blew Josh’s cover! You did him a favor. Maybe he can begin to see the truth and get healing for himself! PS: It’s inspiring for you to write your blog posts, and it’s inspiring for me to read them!
October 16, 2021 at 11:32 pm
Melissa G
Thank you, Stacy! I honestly felt like I did him a favor too but he doesn’t see it that way. Maybe someday, or not, but my intentions were good. And I completely agree with you, we’re all responsible for our own healing and how we choose to treat others. I’m very inspired by your blogs too! And it is so healing for me to keep writing about this, so I appreciate your support. ❤️
October 16, 2021 at 7:42 pm
Judy
I will stay tuned, Melissa. Your blog is definitely uplifting and insightful! Keep writing. 🙂
October 16, 2021 at 8:01 pm
Geoff Stamper
Kindness to one another is complicated because it is a two way street.
October 16, 2021 at 11:33 pm
Melissa G
We do make it complicated but it could be so simple
October 16, 2021 at 11:18 pm
Melissa G
Thank you, Judy! Yours is as well and I appreciate the encouragement ❤️
November 15, 2021 at 1:25 pm
new desert
Thank you dear Melissa, for sharing.
What matters most, in the first place, regardless of what others may think of you, is that you love yourself ❤ just as you are, with no if's or should's.
Love & much Light ❤
November 15, 2021 at 5:12 pm
Melissa G
Thank you so much! I completely agree. Self love is the key to setting ourselves free ❤️
November 15, 2021 at 5:16 pm
new desert
You are very welcome ❤ and I am glad that we both agree.
I'm always curious of the locale of people that I meet. Can you please tell me where you are? I am in northern Virginia, not very far from the capital. Which, incidentally, I visited today.
November 15, 2021 at 6:03 pm
Melissa G
There are many kindred spirits here with similar worldviews. ❤️ I’m on the magical isle of Maui but saw you lived in New Jersey for 20 years. That’s where I spent most of my childhood.
November 16, 2021 at 10:37 am
new desert
Thanks for sharing. My family and I visited Maui four years ago and we stayed in Kihei. It was a beautiful time. Would you like to connect via email? Please feel free to reach me at ‘asselinus@gmail.com’ – New Jersey felt like a long time ago! ❤
November 16, 2021 at 11:06 am
Melissa G
Small world! Sure, I’ll send you an email. And yes, New Jersey felt like a lifetime ago!
November 16, 2021 at 11:06 am
new desert
Thank you ❤
November 29, 2021 at 12:31 pm
Melissa G
You’re welcome ❤️