What is the measure of a life well lived?

In a book about past lives, the spirit world, and reincarnation, the author shared an account of a woman realizing in the end it was all about kindness. Being kind to one another. So simple, right?

It’s been very healing to read about the journey of other bloggers who have struggled with worthiness issues. This strikes a chord with me. Growing up brown skinned in affluent, predominantly white suburbs was rich with opportunities for me to feel inherently lesser than. And the law of attraction kept proving I was right.

Reading posts about misadventures in dating feels like group therapy. I’m relieved to not be the only one, yet my heart goes out to everyone dealing with similar struggles. After a while it truly takes a toll on one’s self esteem and ability to believe in love.

But I continue to believe. It’s not a choice, really.

The person who tried to make me feel most worthless carried the deepest wounds and feelings of unworthiness.

Let’s peer a little into the psychology of Josh.

He grew up in a small town, with not a lot of money. His dad is an alcoholic and worked in a slaughterhouse. Josh was slaughtering baby cows when he was 12 years old. His parents got divorced. His mom, his best friend, died of cancer when he was 15. His brother was physically abusive toward him. He trauma bonded with a girl, Heather, who had been sexually molested. She got pregnant when she was 19 and now they’re married with 3 beautiful daughters.

Josh has been the sole breadwinner in his family for about 20 years. His wife’s mom and sister lived with them for a while. Heather pursued a master’s degree in counseling and Josh often wrote her papers because she didn’t feel like it. I would not describe her as charming or physically attractive so his blind devotion continues to be mostly a mystery, unless I take his history and inherent sense of worthlessness into account.

What I don’t understand is why when I felt most unworthy, I wanted to build others up. Wanted to help as much as I could. To be seen as indispensable. But the more I tried to get people to like me, the more bitterly resented I was. In retrospect, this was a gift, teaching me to not give a flying f-ck about what anyone else thinks. As humans though, we can’t really cut off caring completely. Try as we may.

I’ve only seen Josh a few times over the past several years because he lives on the mainland and only comes here for work once in a while. Last time I saw him, in October 2020, in a moment of clarity he admitted he could no longer stand to be with his wife and had a timeline of 6 months to leave her, after she “earned” her degree. Then he went home and ghosted me. Then he came here with his wife and daughters in June and never told me. Facebook revealed the truth. I told his wife he’s a cheater, and now he hates me. I guess he hated me all along though, on some level. Or at least that’s how he acted.

Blogging and receiving so much kindness and support means a lot to me. Thank you. I’m happy to be discovering new friends through here, kindred spirits traveling a similar path. Finding our way.

It’s inspiring me to do more with this blog.

Stay tuned… ❤️