But when love glimmers with possibility
no logical discourse on chemistry
is enough to maintain objectivity
as I leap headfirst into the game

In the blinding light of the fallout that follows
my fears and insecurities take center stage
kinship dissolves into passion and rage
as I retreat and find peace in the silence

A fire destroyed our beautiful dream
set by a phoenix who longed to be free
love disrupted the delicate symmetry
that held our lives together

During a Thanksgiving discussion about this, a lovely woman named Dale pointed out that in either case, the important thing is where we focus our attention. This led me to think about spheres of influence and illusions of control. I believe the one thing we can control in life is how we direct our thoughts. Each moment presents an opportunity for us to be fully aware, centered, loving, trusting, and grateful for our amazing lives. We can also choose to dwell on past grievances, worry about the future, agonize over perceived shortcomings, or select from a myriad of other disempowering thoughts.

In the book What in the World Is Going on Here? the author, Coburn Tuller says “we have ultimate and complete freedom over what we think.” He theorizes that most challenges, at a global and personal level, stem from fear-based thinking, and by consciously overriding these habitual thought patterns and focusing instead on loving and empowering ideas, we can lead more joyful and harmonious lives. To achieve greater mastery over our thinking, Tuller advises us to meditate and connect with our higher selves.

Eckhart Tolle presents a similar theory in The Power of Now. He proposes that most of our pain and unhappiness are caused by a resistance to the only thing we will ever truly have: this moment. Instead of being fully present to the wonders and possibility of whatever we’re currently experiencing, we tend to worry about the future, or mull over past events. To help free ourselves from the suffering caused by destructive and unconscious thought patterns, Tolle advises us to start “watching the thinker” and practicing the joy of simply being, thereby activating higher levels of consciousness.

Despite receiving nearly daily reminders about the benefits of meditation over the years, I experienced a lot of resistance to setting aside time for it. I finally started meditating for five to ten minutes in the morning, maybe twice a week, about a year ago. After seeing how even short and irregular intervals of time spent exploring my inner pathways helped improve my overall outlook and enjoyment of life, I started ramping up my practice. I’ve discovered the more I meditate, the more easily I can travel through life as a peaceful and loving observer; trusting my needs will always be met, the answers I seek will be found, and intuition will guide me in the right direction.

Whether I chose to write this blog or was it predestined by genetic codes and cultural upbringing, I hope it helps influence greater love, joy, peace, wisdom, and blissful awareness of this magical moment.

In Kenya, I fell in love. It wasn’t something I planned, and it didn’t fit into my neatly constructed idea of what life had in store for me. Up to that point, I was fairly certain I was going to marry the charming, handsome, kind, and loving man I’d been with for five years. Yes, I’d been plagued with recurring doubts about our relationship, but I brushed them aside repeatedly. My doubts seemed to intensify and expand in the distance between us, and then I fell in love.

It’s nearly impossible to pinpoint the moment you realize love has completely hijacked your mental faculties and shaken you to the core. For me, the experience was like a gradual free fall, one moment I was standing on solid ground, and the next I was being swept along in a current of pure emotion, more powerful than anything I’d ever experienced. I didn’t want to sleep, hardly wanted to eat, I journaled furiously, hoping to uncover the shaky foundations of a passing infatuation, but instead, I fell deeper.

What makes us fall in love? Is it a random set of chemical reactions in our brains? Or is it based on soul connections rekindled upon meeting? I believe in the latter. I’ve fallen in love before, but never with such intensity of emotion, or willingness to override practical concerns in favor of fully experiencing the feeling. With this love, I want to be the best possible version of me – I want to explore the wisdom of my soul, continually read and grow, have a meaningful impact on people’s lives, and treat everyone I meet with love and kindness. I know some people regard me as crazy or cruel as a result of what they view as a conscious decision, but when love storms past all your defenses, there’s nothing you can do to turn it away.

This experience accompanies a string of significant changes in my life, which all seem to be leading to my dream occupation: facilitating sustainable, community-led development in Kenya through ICT and renewable energy solutions. This is a dream I lovingly cultivated in my mind for years before releasing it into the capable hands of the universe, and when I was willing to ignore the voice of “reason” in favor of trusting my internal guidance system, all the pieces came together to make this vision a reality

If there is a moral to this story, it’s that despite not knowing what the future holds, we can always believe in the beauty of our dreams and fearlessly pursue what we know in our hearts to be true. Sometimes it helps to set our sights on the horizon, but don’t let attachments to a specific destination keep you from enjoying this beautiful journey.

Recognizing the limitations of intellect, I’ve been working on “feeling” my way through life. One of the benefits of this approach is it helps me live in the moment – if I start worrying, over-analyzing, judging, or scheming, I gently pull myself back to the role of a peaceful observer with a finely tuned internal navigation system. I still make plans, but remain open to intuitive nudges guiding me in a different direction.

In a space of pure emotion, I realize we’re all connected, we’re all equal, and we’re all doing the best we can – there’s no reason to respond to hatred with hatred when it feels so much better to choose love instead. Despite my best intentions, I sometimes opt for the low road, but the fleeting rush associated with witty put-downs and catty comments is a poor substitute for the joy I experience when broadcasting love and light.

When we surrender to the wisdom and guidance of our feelings, we open ourselves to a new sense of wonder and magic in a universe of infinite possibilities. Honoring your feelings may lead to unpopular choices and disruptive changes, but it will also free you to live more authentically and courageously.

As a child, I wondered: if I never learned the word for fear and didn’t understand the concept behind it, would that allow me to live fearlessly? Now I know emotions are governed by more than our ability to define them, and wonder if I can reach a higher vantage point that helps me recognize and avoid the many pitfalls of fear-based thinking.

For example, let’s say I need to sell my home in a depressed market, with no clear idea of where to go next, I simultaneously have no income and a mounting pile of debt, and one of the most important and enduring relationships in my life is coming to an end. Meanwhile, the world around me appears to be falling apart – people are revolting against blatant injustices in hopes of achieving a more balanced and sustainable global society, and our wasteful conveniences fueled by short-sighted capitalism and poisonous gases are beginning to haunt us through health epidemics and weather-related catastrophes. In these uncertain times, it’s easy to slip into “why me?” and “where did we go wrong?” patterns of thinking. But is this helpful? Not at all.

Instead, I can choose to believe I’m a timeless spirit passing through this magical and mysterious playground in hopes of learning lessons that support my evolution. I can trust that life will never present any obstacle too difficult to handle, and the path dictated by my heart will never lead me astray. These are not easy times, but sometimes a struggle is necessary to gain strength of character. There’s little challenge in times of comfort, but you’re not fully alive until you have the courage to trust and let go.

With that said, as an imperfect being in a universe governed by laws I don’t fully understand, I’m bound to make mistakes and experience the resulting feelings of shame, guilt, and disappointment that accompany regret. It’s a terrible feeling and one that doesn’t make anyone else feel any better, so I wish I could shake it off, like an old and ill-fitting coat that provides no warmth or comfort. Instead, the only cure for regret seems to be time: that mysterious force that stretches out infinitely into a misremembered past and uncertain future.

I’m an extremely sensitive and empathetic person – as such, any pain I inadvertently cause others, through fear, anger, shortsightedness, rash decisions, pride, selfishness, or any of my many flaws, immediately seems to boomerang back and strike me with a force at least as great as whatever blow I delivered. The lesson to learn seems to be: tread carefully. Choose love always, over baser emotions like anger or fear, and remember we’re nothing without the love of the people we care for most in this world.

Although regret is not one of my favorite teachers, I’m humbled by the lessons she continues to teach me and trust with time I’ll learn to navigate the slippery corridors that lead to her door with more grace, care, and always, love.

But change finds us; detaching us from everything we thought we knew and wanted.

I love the idea that all circumstances in life are somehow connected to events taking place in the cosmos, and am therefore an avid reader of astrologically influenced forecasts. One of my favorite sources, Power Path, provided this uncannily accurate portrayal of what we can expect to experience this month: Turning Point.

Change isn’t easy for creatures of habit, but it enables us to learn, grow, evolve, and gain the experiences needed to lead fulfilling and inspired lives.

So… freedom. I’ve given this concept a lot of thought lately, for three main reasons: our last book club selection was about the great migration of blacks from southern states to northern cities throughout the 1900s, I’m now reading a novel told (partially) from the perspective of a slave in Haiti, and mainly because I’ve experienced a tremendous sense of liberation and possibility as a result of walking away from my job.

In our book club pick, The Warmth of Other Suns, a central idea was that freedom couldn’t simply be legislated, people needed to recognize and stand up for their rights, often at risk of personal injury or death. In the book I’m reading now, Island Beneath the Sea, the main character is a slave, yet free to choose how she perceives and responds to her circumstances. In my life, I became so accustomed to being dissatisfied with my job that, much like an abusive relationship, I almost forgot walking away was an option.

Like the protagonists in The Warmth of Other Suns, my road to freedom began with a simple thought: I deserve better, accompanied by a sense of how great life would be on the other side. I now feel so incredibly happy that I want everyone else to feel the same way. If there’s something you want to change, please believe in a better future and conjure up the feeling of living your ideal reality – it’s amazing how the universe will seemingly bend to align with your vision.

Not a pleasant way to start the day.

Work is finally coming to an end. Nine years of fruitlessly striving toward a moving destination… so much learned, such great connections formed… I try to focus on the positives, in hopes of overshadowing a lingering sense of regret and self pity.

I accidentally sliced through my fingernail today, while attempting to cut open a rock-hard lime, and then inhaled a morsel of lunch into my windpipe. Two lessons in mindfulness, perhaps?

I plan on writing more often – hopefully my technicolor dreams will return, full of promise about the road ahead.

Mother Mother = awesome music.